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“Hello Doctor, my heart is broken.”
Doctor: “Let’s see, what seems to be the problem with it?”
Patient: “It doesn’t work.”
Doctor: “How so?”
Patient: “I try to use it with love and kindness, but I keep hurting people.”
Doctor: “I see, well in that case I shall have to send you to a specialist of feelings and emotion, a Doctor of Film.”
~ patient journeys to the Film Doctor ~
Film Doctor: “Yes, well, I see you have a problem with your heart. Could you perhaps elaborate more on this? What are the symptoms?”
Patient: “Indeed, I try to apply generosity, but am considered to be mean. I try to be compassionate, but then I’m accused of indifference and having double standards.”
Doctor of Film: “I see. Well, this is not difficult to treat. I shall prescribe two films to watch daily and one series to binge-watch. One film is a documentary about food and the other a romance. The series is a mellow, aquatic, thriller-drama. This is an antidote so you won’t be able to use your heart accordingly. If there is a problem, please come back to me and we’ll see what we can do.”
Patient: “Thank you very much Doctor.”
~ he takes the films and goes ~
~ a few weeks later ~
~ he comes back to the Film Doctor ~
Patient: “I’m sorry - I tried out the films, but the situation has stayed the same, if not worsened. I am getting a lot of complaints, even romantic ones. To be honest, I’m not so sure if it works. I am starting to lose faith.”
Doctor of Film: “Ah, so in this case, I shall transfer you to the Religion Doctor, as this seems to be a case of faith, trials and tribulations.”
Patient: “Alright, Doctor, if that is your belief.”
~ Doctor of Religion ~
Patient: “Good day Doctor, I seem to have a problem with my heart and faith.”
Doctor of Religion: “Aloha, indeed this is a possibility. I am reading the negatives from the Film Doctor and indeed there seems to be a problem with your heart and faith. Let’s see what we can do about it. How did you experience the sun this morning?”
Patient: “Well, it was shining”
Doctor of Religion: “Very good, and you woke up from a dream?”
Patient: “Yes, it was a kind of romantic thriller, documentary dream in the sea.”
Doctor of Religion: “I see. This is very interesting. And did it give you any confidence?”
Patient: “Not particularly.”
Doctor of Religion: “I see. Well, it’s pretty obvious then, you have a problem with trust. This is no serious matter and has no absolute repercussions, but I shall prescribe a few religions, one in particular is about trust, which will suit you as it is heartless and this might cause a counter effect; another about the omniverse which is about plural universes, spirituality and ethics and a third, a very strict religion, about carrots. I also shall give you this parrot to place upon your shoulder. It will recite blessings for you to repeat.”
~ the patient places the parrot on his shoulder and leaves ~
~ a few months later ~
~ back to the Religion Doctor ~
Patient: “Hello Doctor. Thank you very much for your remedy, it seems to have worked. I’ve also become very popular and people seem to understand me. But, in all the bliss, I must have forgotten to feed the parrot and it died. Then things fell apart… It was then that I noticed the problem with my heart again, as I could no longer recite blessings from it.”
Doctor of Religion: “Oh, this is very grave. It was a good parrot, and together with the carrot it should have worked. Oh well, carry on the treatment and I’ll give you a pre-programmed robot to take over the parrot’s place. You shall have to see a Specialist Technician, as there seems to be a technical problem that needs to be addressed in addition to your heart, faith and trust issues.”
~ at the Technician Specialist ~
~ with the robot ~
~ the robot starts bleeping ~
Patient: “I seem to have a technical trust problem with a faithful heart.”
Technician Specialist: “I see the robot’s blessings are bleeping, which might mean he needs to go to the toilet. One moment, let me examine its output. Yes, it is what I thought - the robot’s output says that there is a synchronisation problem between your heart and the other complications that you have pointed out.”
~ the robot makes a strange noise before blowing up in cloud of smoke ~
Technician Specialist: “You shall have to leave the robot with me. It is broken and can’t work for you anyway. What you need is to be examined by the Clock Doctor to check your synchronisation before you can use such a robot.”
~ at the Clock Doctor ~
~ a briefing about the technical complication of trust, faith and heart synchronisation ~
Clock Doctor: “Right, let’s listen to your heart with my stethoscope here. Yes, it is ticking, functioning flawlessly. Actually, there seems to be nothing wrong with your heart. Let me see if there might be another complication and cause for your condition. I’ll try to wind it up a bit.”
~ the doctor taps on the stethoscope with a spike that penetrates through to the flesh ~
Patient: “Ouch! it hurts.”
Clock Doctor: “Yes, it’s what I thought it was. I know what the problem is with your synchronicity. Your heart is in fact not connected to your mind, and vice versa. If you don’t apply your thought to your heart, your thoughts might become extraneous to your body causing a multitude of complex complications, situations and conditions such as the ones you have described. How about you go see the Doctor of Music. He is all about synchronisation and timing. This will help the connection between your brain and heart.”
Patient: “Argh, I can’t stand it any more! I feel that my heart is going to burst with that spike in it. I came with a simple problem with my heart and now it has become a complex problem that with time seems to be unsolvable. It’s all to do with trust, faith, synchronicity, technicality and now connectivity and timing together with my mind as well.”
~ the patient pulls out the spike from his heart ~
Patient: “There is nothing wrong with my head! It is connected to my body and that makes sure my heart pumps blood at a regular pace. This much I know. Technically this must mean that it is synchronised, connecting the two, my mind and heart, and I don’t like music.”
~ the patient detaches all that was connected to him and is getting dressed, ready to leave the inspection room ~
Clock Doctor: “Are you sure? I’ve got the Technician on the line and he says that the robot is ready. I’d also like to refer you to the Pantomime Doctor.”
~ the patient picks up his shoes and socks and tiptoes out. He is miraculously placebo-cured by the Doctor of Pantomime who follows him around till this day ~
edited by Janet Cartlidge, copyright © 2013 Fabrice Schomberg
